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BLOG ARCHIVE - 2006
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Week of December 25, 2006
Holiday Cheer
Written by Susan Alexander
“Why do you have to drink every time I start
talking?” My on/off/on again 22 year-old date asks me.
“I need to numb the pain that I’m dating someone who lives in his
parents’ basement and excited to get the Xbox 360 for Christmas.” I
said.
For the first time in awhile, I enjoy going dates during
the holiday season with guys younger than you because you can take to see
Santa and give them cookies. These younger guys seem excited to take you
on dates that involve video games whether it’s the arcade or video
poker at the newest slot-machine casinos in Philadelphia area. The thrill
of winning and not losing money was great. I can see where the addiction
comes from in gambling.
Tips for ladies who want to look cute going to the casino. I got
these great new black boots with dominatrix type heels and my feet were
killing me walking through the sea of slot machines. Then I noticed that
99% of the people at the casino were wearing orthopedics or sneakers.
My on/off/on again 22 year-old date and I happen
to be the youngest people there that knew that MySpace is not just a place
for Dateline to catch pedophiles.
After being on the road for a few months, it was nice to go on a
date with someone who hadn’t just seen my comedy show so I can get
more material from them. Even though my drinks were free with playing the
game I am still counting it as a date.
This 22 year-old is such a good influence on me.
He has taught me to shoot a gun and gamble. The next date will probably
be a strip club and I will make sure it has all male strippers. I think
I might just get him a lap dance and get in the spirit of the holidays.
Week of December 4, 2006
shopping, headlines, and etymology
Written by Samantha Chanse
i'm not very aware of All Things Shopping (i'm really not aware of many things,
actually; my oceans of ignorance are vast and uncharted, but let's leave the
mapping of my kingdoms of ignorance for another ramble, shall we?), but i really
never knew that shopping the day after thanksgiving was A Thing that people in
this country did; my family never spoke of it anyway (and the ocean of subject
matter of which my family never spoke is also vast & uncharted, but again
we'll save that for another time).
so when i first heard of this shopping-the-day-after-thanksgiving thing a few
years ago–seeing front page photographs of people camped out at 4 in the
morning in front of a wal-mart, waiting for the doors to open; the images of
frenzied shoppers mobbing the gates, clawing at the hot new item (elmo? the newest
version of playstation? i dunno), the remains of their shared humanity abandoned & forgotten
in the parking lot–i did experience a level of shock. what the fuck? shopping
season? people camp out over night in parking lots to get a discount on a doll?
how many dolls do you have to buy to possibly make that experience worth it?
and why do you want to buy the doll that every other kid in the country apparently
is going to have, anyway? doesn't originality count for anything anymore?
but then i rebuked myself for criticizing, upon realizing that (1) i'm not only
a jerk who rarely buys gifts for my closest friends and dear sisters, but (2)
i'm a jerk with no family to speak of outside of parents and sisters and grandparents,
and i don't have to purchase hella obligatory gifts for lots of little ones.
so i guess a 40% discount is kind of important if you've got many crying little
ones to consider.
but then, after thoroughly self-rebuking for judging the behavior of those who
find themselves in situations starkly different from mine , i returned to my
initial reaction of, "what the f**k?"
christ, someone get these kids a deck of playing cards or a set of colored pens
or a cardboard box (the acute sense of disappointment experienced upon receiving
such a christmas gift will build hella character), and let TMX
elmo find his way into some soulless home elsewhere.
and there's something profoundly disturbing about considering the value of TMX
elmo when the " shoppers
mob malls for holiday discounts" headline shares the front page of the
NYT with headlines announcing that this month has been the
bloodiest in Iraq since 2003. and today, it's finally clear to more and more
americans (as it's been to most of the rest of the world for some time now) that
all the violence in Iraq is actually part of what's generally called a civil
war.
RANDOM BLOG INTRUDER: oh shit, no she didn't; she just had to go there. and we
were all having such a good time hating on American shoppers and laughing at
the absurdity of TMX elmo. what a downer.
ME: i wasn't trying to be an upper, Random Blog Intruder. i apologize for nothing.
RANDOM BLOG INTRUDER: well you should; this site's supposed to be about comedy,
asshole. you've just gone and ruined it.
ME: well some of the most hilarious comedy comes from some of the most agonizing
bits of reality; deal with it.
RANDOM BLOG INTRUDER: whatever. i'm gonna go start my OWN website somewhere else,
where i'll blog about DICK JOKES and CHICKS, putting my THINLY-VEILED MISOGYNY & HOMOPHOBIA
to good use.
ME: fine, you go do that.
RANDOM BLOG INTRUDER: do you really want to leave it on this note?
ME: of course not. how about we leave it on the second, less commonly known,
definition of the word "paraphernalia"?
RANDOM BLOG INTRUDER: "paraphernalia"? you mean, the noun which means
equipment, apparatus, or furnishing used in or necessary for a particular activity,
as in the example a skier's paraphernalia?
ME: quite. the second definition is a married woman's personal property exclusive
of her dowry, according to common law. or, put another way, the personal articles,
apart from dower, reserved by law to a married woman.
RANDOM BLOG INTRUDER: really? they let women own personal property outside of
her dowry?
apparently.
RANDOM BLOG INTRUDER: weird.
isn't it?
for more, please visit http://www.whiskeyandacigarette.org
Week of November 15, 2006
Atlanta was a Blast!
Written by Erikka Innes
Getting there was ok. I couldn't fly Southwest and instead I had to
fly Frontier. I would have been okay with it, except they made a HUGE FUSS about
the fact that they paint an animal on the tail of the damn plane.
The guy would come over the mic while we were waiting for the flight and go."Look
everybody, Andy is painted on the tail of the plane, he's painted there! See
look!" I half expected to hear "Do you see, Andy is crying, because
we are polluting the hell out of the environment to take you on this plane ride.”
Isn't that cute? Oh and look over there at that plane! It's Percy, the endanged
crested shelduck. Percy is crying because even though there are only 50 mature
shelducks in the world total, we accidentally sucked slightly more than half
of them through the jet engines last weekend!"
The name of their frequent flyer special over-privileged club for Privileged
people bugged me too. It was called the Ascent and Summit club, which was kind
of retarded. OKAY ALREADY, YOU'RE ABOVE THE REST OF US OR CLIMBING UP TO A PLACE
WHERE YOU'RE ABOVE THE REST OF US. CAN WE BOARD THE PLANE NOW?!
On the plane ride, we played who has the oldest penny? If you have the oldest
penny, you get an adult beverage. Someone had a penny from 1912. I really REALLY
hope that person just showed the penny and didn't hand it over, because a 1912
penny is worth a hell of a lot more than a frickin soda.
When I landed I met up with the other performers... and the host of the tour,
Susan Alexander, gave me a Hot Topics pirate t-shirt. I am thrilled, because
I have now received pirate shirts from 3 different cities and in different states...
making my pirate t-shirt collection a 'national' collection. If I can just get
a pirate shirt from some other country I'll have an 'international' pirate t-shirt
collection.
Anyhow, this tour's over for me now.... I'm sad about it, I had a great time.
Oh fun fact in closing-- I learned this weekend that I can recognize the song
'Final Countdown' from 2 notes being hummed.
Week of October 16, 2006
Roadside Assistance…To My Heart
Written by Sandy Stec
A few days ago, my car crapped out on me. And while there really is
no "convenient" time for a battery to die, it seemed rather ironic
that it was at 12:30am on a work-night, awkwardly forcing my co-worker to drive
me home. Of course, he "offered"....but you know the tone:
(sigh) "Well...I....I guess I could drive you home." (another
sigh.)
Oh, and by "home" I meant my mother's house. It was too late for Triple
A, and I needed to somehow get to work the next morning. So, if you do the math:
No Car + Staying Overnight at Parent's House = Mom Driving Me to Work.
And that, my friend, is an isosceles triangle of LAME.
I worried all day about calling Triple A. It was one of those " 'It couldn’t
get any worse' case scenarios." I kept wondering when some 300-pound, swastika-sporting
bald guy would show up at my work with a crowbar and an eye-patch. You know...leather
chaps, tattooed knuckles, and a dangling cross from his right ear. Creepy, right?
Then....it happened. At 4:15pm on a Friday afternoon, all of my fears
were confirmed: FALSE.
It started with the first phone call. Phone-rep lady said "He should be
there in about 45 minutes." So, I decided to chill for a while- catch up
on e-mails, go to Starbucks, etc. Not even 15 minutes later my phone rings:
"Is this Sandy?"
"Uh...yeah."
"Hi Sandy. This is Triple A Roadside Assistance. Were outside your building."
I was speechless. Timely AND nice? What are the chances?
I guided him into the lower-level parking lot and watched as the roof of his
truck barely made it through. Sure, he was blasting Spanish rap and smelled
like weed. But you know what? I didn't care. I just wanted my car to be okay.
I was rather surprised when he stepped out of the truck. He was about 5'10,
clean-shaven, and had a bitching outfit with reflectors! He said it was "work
clothes." Yeah- whatever! I looked at his nametag. In bright, bold lettering,
it read:
PEDRO.
I chuckled, but didnt dare refer to Napoleon Dynamite.
I watched as Pedro went to work. He popped the hood and checked out my battery
and alternator. He revved the engine and did "meter readings" for
my car. He got right to work, and I appreciated that.
Meanwhile, I was blabbing away. I don't even know what I was talking about;
but most of it revolved around my recent car frustrations and how 'Hondas aren't
supposed to be this much of a pain in the ass.'
Pedro smiled, and kept working.
I complained a little more about how I was now embarrassed that I got wasted
the night before.
"I mean, what are you supposed to do when your bosses buy rounds
on the house?" I asked defensively.
Pedro kept working.
"And is it hot enough today? JESUS! Nothings worse than being hung-over
in the heat! And can you believe my MOM had to drive me to work?!"
Pedro looked up at me with patient eyes.
"You know...I kind of like to keep it professional," he said.
And there it was: somebody telling me to shut the hell up.
Man I dug that. It takes real guts to let a complete stranger
know they've crossed the line. I guess I never thought I'd be that stranger.
"Well, it looks like your battery's just about dead," He
said as he showed me the configurations. I, of course, freaked out again.
"What does that mean? Can I still drive my car today? Where do
I get a new battery? Are they expensive? And when am I going to get a raise?" I
knew he couldn't answer that last one, but I thought I'd try.
Once again...Pedro reassured me.
"Well, if you want, I can install one for you right here, on the spot."
I felt enlightened. "Really? Are you serious?"
"Yeah. I got the details for your car when you called, and brought
a battery just in case."
I was about ready to cream my pants. I couldn't fathom how convenient this
was. I couldn't comprehend how patient Pedro had been. And, I couldn't believe
I made a big deal out of NOTHING.
I returned 10 minutes later with cash from the ATM. Pedro showed me my newly
installed battery and left my car running while I filled out paperwork.
"Don't tell me you work at the radio station upstairs?" He
asked.
"Yep...I'm the midday girl." I said.
"No way!" He responded as he showed me how Mix 106.5
was one of his presets. "I'm totally going to listen to you now!"
And for the first time that day, Pedro actually smiled; reassuring me that
everything was going to be okay.
It had been years since I felt as relaxed around a man as I was in that moment.
It will be millenniums before I come to terms that it was the Triple A guy.
Week of October 2nd
"Random Things That Amuse Me Vol. 1"
Written by Erikka Innes
1. On a weekend trip, the English guy in our group was asked why his room full
of people was not up and ready to go by the appointed time. He said 'yes, well
you see we've had a minor issue with oversleeping, which is about the most English
way to say 'whoops!’ I've ever heard. If it would've been someone from
California who got asked they would've just said 'Dude, sorry.'
2. My mom's best friend took her on vacation. They went to a water park where
the guide was trying to gouge everyone for extra money on the rides and activities.
He told the bus 'If you want to swim with the dolphins, that's an extra $125.'
My mom raised her hand and said 'Tell the dolphins it's $150 if they want to
swim with me.' Apparently the bus was delighted, and the guide not so much.
3. The phrase 'Evil Possum with a Liberal Arts Degree' makes me giggle.
4. I would really like to be able to purchase a book entitled 'Swimming the English
Channel for Dummies' except economy of words is best when writing a technical
or how-to type book. So the only potential title for a book like this would be
'Swimming the English Channel'.
5. One of my friends likes to say the whole point of life is to live it in such
a way that you have the best stories to tell at the old folks' home. I always
thought the point of life was to think ahead far enough to develop a sensible
retirement plan so that you could avoid being in an old folks home altogether.
My friend thinks I likely won't have any good stories anyway.
6. It is possible to make a drink that tastes EXACTLY like a floor cleaner and
grapefruits using nothing but cheap vodka, aloe juice, a Pyrex mixing cup and
an airborne tablet. You can make it just like Windex by adding blue food coloring.
7. It is possible to make a drink that is almost but not entirely. Undrinkable
by combining 1 shot of gin and 1 shot of Tabasco sauce.
Week of September 18th
Cougarland
Written by Susan Alexander
“Do you know what they call women who date
men 7 years younger then they are?” asked my barely legal guy.
“Lucky?” I said.
“They call the women Cougars. So I guess that makes me a cub.” He
said.
I have been called many names through my life and will be called more,
but now I am under this Cougar label. The fact is that I like to date guys
who are fun and do not have wives.
It’s not like I am cruising around high
school football games for young boys or raising a stepchild and marrying
them like Woody Allen.
Ironic is not just an Alanis Morrisette song but what is happening to
me dating this younger guy. I worked in the video game industry for a few
years and never really played video games. Now, I am learning to work a
controller/joystick to play the latest Xbox games with my cub. We even
went to this arcade for adults and kids called Dave and Busters which actually
was one of the best dates I ever had. Here I am playing House of Dead and
other shooter games which seem to be my preference because of control issues.
So what if he does not know the difference between Cabernet Sauvignon
and Merlot, he has only been the legal drinking age for one year. Most
of the men I dated that knew the different types of wine were mostly sexually
confused anyway. What I do miss dating guys my age is that they usually
have their own apartments and not living in their parent’s basement.
On the positive side, the cub has his own entrance to his room and his
parents make killer coffee in the morning.
My new outlook is that I am embracing my new label
as a Cougar and will become a responsible example. So ladies, don’t
worry about me taking your husbands but watch out for your sons.
Check back each
week to read a new blog from the rotation of stand-up comedians on
the 5 Funny Females Tour. |
